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On anxiety, grief + depression (part 1)

What to do when you are in a depression that makes you feel like it’s holding you hostage, a grief that has broken your heart or an anxiety and place of panic stealing all, and I mean all, of your bliss?

Dream. And dream real big.

For months and months last year, I felt like I was just going to die. I was so full of grief and sadness and anxiety. I remember literally forcing myself to eat because I really didn’t want to do anything and even eating wasn’t fulfilling.

I’d do my yoga practice (sometimes) and show up at work(all the time) but that was it. And it wasn’t enough. I was stuck. I called my mom. She came out to visit. I went home to NJ. But nothing helped.

And then one day I remembered HOPE. I needed to hope and dream again. And so I did.

I thought: “I am going to buy a house in Hawaii.” So I started searching on Zillow and I found “the one.” A 1.5 million dollar house on the road to Hana with its own waterfall.

Now I don’t have an extra 1.5 mil. And I don’t even qualify to get a loan that is more than $300k. But I called a realtor. I told her I couldn’t afford it and she said “we will get you your house one day.” And my hope brightened and my pain started to lessen…

I drew the house. I dreamt about it. I wrote about it. I drew a business plan about it. I lit candles for it. I started wishing and praying again. I even had a song about it: the house is next to George Harrison’s estate and so I would sing and dance around my house to “Got My Mind Set on You.” Because you know, that house would take “a whole lot of precious time, and patience and time” and “a whole lot of spending money, to do it right, yeah.”

No, I don’t have the house. But when you dream big you can detach easier. And then you can focus on the good part of dreaming- getting your motivation back and coming back to life. That is what hope does - it gives you life.

And that’s just what started happening to me. I started feeling motivated and driven again —- I mean I had to go to live life and make “a whole lotta money” if I had a chance of getting that house, right? Food stated tasting good again.

If you’re feeling lost, start with a dream. I even say start with a ridiculous dream that is so out of reach that others think “what are the chances it would happen ?”

Dreaming and hoping are medicines. They help to heal. And it is real.

Side note - I did buy a house a few months later (my desert retreat house in Twentynine Palms, CA with the love of my life). Although there is no waterfall, we areleading retreats just like I visualized in my Hawaii dream.

Second side note - this picture is taken in Hawaii where I went a few months ago and guess what I saw there ? The house. And guess who met me and loved me and wants to sell me the house (and turned down the offer he got that day when I was there.)? The owner of the house. And guess what house is still on the market over a year later from when I first started dreaming?

The thing is, I don’t even really care about that house per say. Material things are just material things but materials things can be a tool to shake us out of a negative vibe. I’ll always love that house because it was the first step to getting me back to me...and now all I care about right now is I am back to feeling like me and able to serve with all parts of me. I care that I can be here for other’s darkness and tell them to have a dream because dreaming works. I care that when the anxiety and depression and grief pop up (still every day) within me, I have my hope and it helps me. It keeps me moving forward.

If you’re feeling depressed or anxious or not like yourself….

Walk forward.

One step at a time.

To something big.

Even if you don’t get it, you start to get yourself back. I promise. And what’s more important than that ?

My past few years (like most of us) have not been easy to say the least. Today I am writing again and ready to share. So I have more to share to the heartaches of life…but this blog was just part 1. I hope it helps you if you need it.

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