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5 Planets Walk In To A Bar...

What do you do when 5 planets are in retrograde? Well, I wrote a little play about it:

Three planets walk into a bar.

“Hey Pluto, what ya doing here?”

“Some soul-searching, Jupiter. I’m retrograding.”

“Me too, Dude. Hey, look there’s Mercury! Let’s go sit with him,”

“You’re such a good guy, Jupiter, but you know, Mercury doesn’t really feel like talking when he’s retrograding. And every time I’m around him this time in the universe my stuff always breaks and I swear he steals my phone.”

“True. Why you here though? Shouldn’t you be detoxing anyway, Pluto?”

“Don’t push your luck, Jupiter!

Shit, Pluto. Trouble’s here. Mars just walked in!”

What up LOSERS?

Hey Mars…

“Don’t be too stoked to see me, you jack asses. YO BARTENDER. GIVE ME TWO SHOTS OF JAMESSON and two Pina Coladas for these two GIRLS over here. And don’t forget the umbrellas”

“Look guys. Saturn’s here!”

“What the FUCK is “dad” doing here?” Mars yells as he slams his shot down.

“Dude, he’s retrograding too. You know he’s all lazy this time of the year.

Saturn walks up: “Don’t call me lazy, Pluto. Life’s hard sometimes. Dealing with all this karma which shakes up yet perfects the universe. It’s heavy....”

And then the planets all start fighting because everyone’s confused on their roles because they are all retrograding all at the same time and this hasn’t happened in almost ten years.

Venus walks in the bar.

“SEXY, SEXY. Hey GIRL” whistles Mars.

“Guys, what are you doing? You know the poor humans and flowers and animals and bugs down on Earth are going crazy right now. They even think you’re moving backwards! Those beauitful souls don’t realize that we’re moving a little slower due to divine timing; instead they are blaming everything on us. Come on, we got to show them how beautiful this life is!”

“Venus, honey, beauty queen, sweet heart,” says Saturn. You're right---and that's why Earth has you not retrograding. You just keep reminding them of your beauty. But, WE. Yeah, we are going to sit right here and let them figure out what we've been trying to show them since the beginning of time. We’re just chilling, and they gotta chill too. It’s all the pattern of divine work and destiny.”

"DUDE, let's take a picture. I look good tonight and I want to put it on my instagram. I got like 87 trillion followers."

Oh Mars...

In case you didn't get that joke...

Basic Retrograde 411

First, when it comes to retrogrades you gotta remember: this is only happening from Earth’s perspective---remember that we are only one part of a huge, bigger story, but in the same, our specific story is being affected by all things surrounding us, so the universe affects us at all time, especially during retrogrades because it is out of the planetary norm.

The Planets teach us lessons: they all represent something they need to teach us. They are archetypes of teachers and we, humans, in this Earth Walk, are its pupils. Some of us are good students (we do our “hOMework”) and others are bad numbing our way through life, but the universe loves us all the same.

To be a good students, in this thing called life on Earth (Take 4567 ? Take ____ (you fill in the blank on how many times you’ve been here!)) We need awareness and as most of us do, we only notice things when they are “wrong” or “backwards” or doing something out of the norm. Please note that retrogrades are natural, constantly happening. Sure, they can be uncomfortable, but the universe is urging us to remember things are only as uncomfortable as we make it, and everything that happens (comfortably or uncomfortably) is all for good and growth.

2016’s current Retrograde:

So what’s going on in our universe? Well, being a humble human just trying to figure out life without figuring out anything and just surrendering, here’s a small part of what I figured out.


The planet of communication, he’s here to teach us to express, communicate, use our intelligence, and be changeable and adaptable. He retrogrades from April 28th to May 22nd (normally three times a year, so us Earth Beings are more aware of Him than the other planets). When he retrogrades, he’s not as close to us reminding us of his lessons so areas of communication and flexibility are an issue meaning for us in current society, this is the “oh-shit-my-cell-phone-broke-my-life-is-over” situations.

Send love to your throat chakra. Think before you speak. Be conscious of how you communicate and what you use to communicate. Be flexible. Use your intelligence and be open-minded.


Mars is a energy ball (literally!) He's loyal, magnetic, determined, generous, ambitious, strong, courageous, adventurous, peaceful, daring and courteous. When He’s retrograding you may be a bit of a jerk or vibe with your inner party-frat-boy facing aggression, impulsiveness, irresponsiblity, recklessness, arrogance, vindictivness, negativity, anger, and just be straight up fighter. He retrogrades April 17th-June 29th.

Send love to your third chakra, your ego. There’s no need to throw-down! Keep your emotions in check. Do sweaty yoga, go for a run or something active to burn off the extra intensity. Avoid alcohol.


He is just a good guy! He’s the planet of all things good: expansiveness, confidence, fairness, abundance, fortune, success, prosperity and happiness. You want him always around. When he’s not floating close to us instead of hanging in these positive traits you may be more excessive, bossy, controlling, doubtful and an over-working, over-achiever. He’s been retrograding since Jan 7th and is finishing up in a few days: May 9th.

Send love to your root chakra. Find your happiness. Remember you are a lucky, abundant, fortunate human being.


He is the “father-figure” of the planets teaching discipline, patience, organization, trust, and structure. He teaches us about karma and when he’s retrograding you may feel limited. He retrogrades March 25th to August 13th.

Connect with your third eye and crown chakra. Work harder and focus on your growth. Stay disciplined. Honor the lessons as they are all karmic--good or bad.


He is the planet of the self: that place where you understand who you truly are through death, rebirth and transformation. When he’s retrograding you may begin to question yourself . It’s a time for soul searching, connecting with that empty place within. He retrogrades from April 18th to September 26th.

Soul search. Detox. Connect with all parts of you in the purest way. Go on an inner journey to find who you are (you’re just remembering what you’ve known all along). Meditate.

Advice for the Retrograde:

The planets are moving “slower” in relation to Earth, so you either need to CHILL and let live as all things are flowing as they need to and you need to be ok with that, or you need to STEP IT UP and face your issues and FEEL what you are feeling so you can move on and be a better human, so you can just chill, flow and let live. Ultimately, when you’re a better human, the earth gets better, and thus the universe gets better and thus everything gets better. The planets and universe and our heart and soul teaches us the ultimate lesson is live in LOVE without FEAR and be adaptable and non-attached for everything changes. So this is my advice to you (and I say do this always: retrograde or not).

I could give you a play-by-play on what signs and such these planets are in and give you more details based upon your planet and birth date and what these retrogrades mean for you individually (for some people these retrogrades barely affect them or affect them positively!) but that’s just another way to pull you away from the universe’s ultimate lesson: be non-attached and don’t look for the answers outwardly---look inward. We are so lucky to have the Internet, but this creates a blockage. We can just “google” to find the “answers” of what we are looking for. You know, yesterday I had a meditation and I saw a spirit animal. Instead of sitting with it, I was urged to pick up my phone and search “What do lobsters represent spiritually.” We have to sit within ourselves and trust we know everything we need to.

So how will you “survive” this retrograde? Amazingly because you have all the tools within you that you need to face anything that comes up. Regardless if you’re a good student or bad student of the universe, our teachers are going to keep spinning spitting out their lessons, so just keep living and learning. Happy Retrograding...hope to see you on the mat!

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